What smells most in a chimney?

Santa’s nose

What’s red & white, red & white, red & white?

Santa rolling down a hill!

This was sent to me by e-mail. I don’t know who wrote it.

Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It’s Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine’s getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family’s there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes ’round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

(or so I read in an email)

Life is very strssful when you have to make a lot of decisions and choices. So I look after myself by reducing my choices to whatever is left in the local pharmacy or supermarket at 6pm on Christmas Eve!

The Christmas story talks about three wise men following a star for days to get to the stable.

Now, had there been three wise WOMEN, they would have stopped to get directions, arrived on time to help tidy the stable and deliver the baby, bought along some cold meats and salad, and brought gifts such as nappies, face washers and sheets!

I’m not 100% sure of the accuracy of this but it certainly sounds plausible. Perhaps Santa could confirm this?

According to the Alaskan Dept. of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, the male antlers drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known… only women would be able to drag a (ahem – sorry Santa) rather largish man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

Dear friends

With Christmas almost upon us, I’d like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes – cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or anything anymore because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you all, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all in fact – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large mutant pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Merry Christmas to all,

Love Santa

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house no one could remember the names of Santa’s reindeer:)

For anyone else trying to remember Santa’s reindeer names to tell the kids or win Trivial Pursuit here they are:

• Prancer
• Dancer
• Donner
• Blitzen
• Dasher
• Vixen
• Commet
• Cupid
• and, of course, Rudolph

But I also heard that it would take more than 214,000 reindeer to pull a sleigh of 333,333 tons (based on one soft toy per child I think it was) Now there is no way I’m going to list out 214,000 reindeer names, even if I had a hope of knowing them all!

Of course, whoever did those calculations didn’t factor in the magic of Santa or the white boomers so the 9 names above are enough for me!

Looking forward to my children reading Santa letters soon!

I came across this today, and thought it was good for a laugh. This is the corporate memo regarding the 12 days of Christmas – http://www.dezert-rose.com/humor/christmas/officememo2.html

I just found another version of the old 12 days of Christmas – I thought it was clever and funny…

Modern 12 days of Christmas
by Sarah Murray

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 Tomigatchis and
a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 Beanie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 laser printers,
5 Beanie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 office laptops,
6 laser printers,
5 Beanie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 WWJD bands,
7 office laptops,
6 laser printers,
5 Beanie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 Tickle Me Elmos,
8 WWJD bands,
7 office laptops,
6 laser printers,
5 Beanie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 Adidas jackets,
9 Tickle Me Elmos,
8 WWJD bands,
7 office laptops,
6 laser printers,
5 Bennie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 cool CDs,
10 Adidas jackets,
9 Tickle Me Elmos,
8 WWJD bands,
7 office laptops,
6 laser printers,
5 Beanie Rabies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomiqatchis,
and a cell phone with 90 minutes free.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 awesome friends,
11 cool CDs,
10 Adidas jackets,
9 Tickle Me Elmos,
8 WWJD bands,
7 office laptops,
6 laser printers,
5 Beanie Babies,
4 collect calls,
3 on-line services,
2 Tomigatchis,
and A CELL PHONE WlTH 90 MINUTES FREE!

There are many jokes and funny stories relating to Christmas and Santa so we’ve started a new category dedicated to thsoe funny bits of Christmas.

You can add jokes and riddles, poems and stories, as well as the real life thigns that happen to us around Christmas that make us laugh (including the thigns kids say and do!)

Here are a couple of jokes to get you smiling…

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?

Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can go HO Ho Ho

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

It was nearly Christmas when Santa was walking into a building with a kind lawyer and an honest politician. They saw a $10 note lying on the ground and one of them picked it up – which one picked up the money?

Santa of course – the other two don’t exist!